Sunday, April 08, 2007

Confession 14 – A Throbbing Finger and a Filthy Dollar

The Infamous Dollar

A while back I posted the count of flirtations and such that I had received. As much fun as that was, I’ve actually lost track. It’s tragic, I know. There was so much grey area that it was getting difficult to determine what would count as a flirtation. Some of them were just funny, others were a bit awkward. That’s just part of the fun of being a cabbie.

Last night I got a call to take part of a big group of people to the Hunt club. Yes, I know – the Hunt club. I always dread those because the people are generally jerks. But I figured I’d keep an open mind about it. Maybe I would get some cool people.

I pulled up at a big house party. There were people everywhere, but they weren’t the usual clientele that would be going to the Hunt club. They were all CSU students or at least that age. I guess they told the dispatch that they needed to go to the Hunt club. When I talked to them, they were apparently going to the roller skating rink.

These people had obviously been drinking and were obviously having quite a lot of fun. One guy in particular must have been having a blast because he was wearing women’s lingerie. It it was quite… well… words can’t describe it. He was a little bit hairy and was running all over the place. I just had to laugh.

After we got everyone piled into the car, we headed over to the roller skating rink. They were talking like they were going to go to the Hunt club after skating. I couldn’t quite figure it out though. The group was actually very co-ed. There were at least as many girls as guys, and all of the girls seemed like the pretty, popular types. But I figured that they just wanted to have a good time and, if they were going to drink more, the Hunt Club was right next door and was one of the few bars in the area.

I just have to point out the irony though. Believe it or not, you can actually get a ticket for biking or even rollerblading drunk, just like you can for driving a car. If you don’t believe me, just ask around. I’m pretty sure that someone within the first or second degree of your social circle has had that unpleasant realization. And here I was, taking a big group of people to the roller rink where they would attempt to skate around while tipsy.

If anyone actually attempts this, let me know how it goes. I’m now curious as to whether it makes it more fun or you just end up crashing more.

As people were climbing out of the van after we arrived at the final destination, I ran around the car to the other side to lift the middle-back seat to let the people in the very back climb out. While fidgeting with the lever, one of the girls pulled out some money and asked if she could put it down my pants.

I wasn’t quite sure how to respond, partly because that’s the first time one of my passengers has asked me that question, and also partly because my finger had gotten stuck it in the joint mechanism of the seat and was hurting quite badly. If I moved the seat forward, it pinched it even more. If I moved it backward, it pinched it even more. I’m always amazed by the little things that happen that make an ordinarily bizarre or, in hind sight, humorous situation even more random and crazy.

Another result of getting my finger caught in the seat, aside from the sheer pain of it, was that I managed to dodge the question. I actually have very good reason for not wanting her to put money down my pants. It’s the same reason that I tell people who handle a lot of cash for their job that they should wash their hands before they use the restroom. Money is dirty stuff! Who knows where that bill had been before? I could see it, as she was stretching her arm out to me, held lightly in her finger tips. Sure, her pretty smile and puppy dog eyes would have made it a very tempting offer for virtually every guy on the planet. But I knew better. That bill was obviously old and worn, wrinkled from passing hands countless times, brown, greasy, and dirty around the edges and creases. But on a more microscopic level, it was a bacteria and STD smörgåsbord of unsightliness. And the last thing I wanted to do was get an STD from some random person putting money down my pants. No thank you. Not to mention that I’m not that kind of guy :)

And so, after I finally got my throbbing finger free from the seemingly perilous trap of that was the hinge of the seat, I stepped back and let her out. She gave me the money as a tip, and smiled as she and her friends walked off to go roller skating. I wished her a good night, my finger continuing to throb, and wondered to myself if that counted as another flirtation?

Saturday, April 07, 2007

Confession 13 - Conspiracy Theory

Being a student at Colorado State University, I am constantly exposed to individuals and ideas that can be surprisingly irrational. Whether it is manifest through random comments made in class, the clothes people wear, or what the CSU administration insists that I do for registration, some things just naturally bring out completely screwed up look to my face and, if I were a comic, the letters WTF would be written in a size 128 font above my head.

In driving a cab job, on the other hand, I generally expect for the people I meet to be a bit crazy. After all, enough alcohol can make just about anything happen. But last night I think I met one of the craziest of all of them. She was especially crazy because she was so confident that she was not crazy but that the world was crazy. The craziness was based on “Conspiracy Theory,” which, until last night, I thought was just a fabrication used on TV for our amusement. How wrong I was.

I picked her and another guy up to take them to Tailgate Tommy’s, the bar at Drake and College. As we pulled away from their house, she started telling me that she knew the future and that anyone who knew the future was going to get f***ing killed. They always kill the people that know the future. For this specific reason, she would not tell me her name.

“How is it that ‘they’ know that you know the future?” I asked her, humoring her slightly.

“They just do!” she replied. She then asked me, “Do you know anything about the truth behind 9-11 and the New World Order?”

“Uh… I’ve heard of it, but I don’t know a whole lot about it.” I replied cautiously and dumbfoundedly with the invisible letters WTF flashing above my head.

“Well, I’ll go ahead and tell you about it in a nutshell.” She replied.

Oh great! What a way to start out a fun filled evening of cabbying.

“Do you remember Hitler?” she asked me. I tried to contain my inner laughter because I immediately recognized that as a genuinely stupid question.

“No I don’t remember Hitler because I wasn’t alive back then, but I do know about him.” I replied.

“You should read more history then.” she told me, completely oblivious to the fact that I, very subtly, was jabbing at her ridiculous question by taking it literally – the same subtle jab that I am now making again with the letters LOL flashing invisibly above my head.

She then proceeded to inform me about the “New World Order” and what that entailed. I will do my best to summarize her summary of this massive conspiracy that is going to shake the world.

She started out by saying that very soon there is going to be only one country and one religion in the world that will govern all. She didn’t specify which country this would be, but did mention that before it happened, the US, Canada, and Mexico would all join together as one country. Apparently Condoleezza Rice had just gone up to Canada to meet and discuss this very topic. As proof, or to validate her argument, the lady claimed that she had footage of the meeting.

Then she started talking about Hitler and how George W. Bush’s grandfather or great grandfather had provided him with the funding for WWII. At this point, it was getting rather difficult to contain my mocking laughter. I still didn’t know what this had to do with the point that she was trying to make, but I decided I would just humor her and be entertained for a while.

She then talked about some massive highway that was being build leading from Mexico through the middle of the US and up to Canada. I think she missed a conjunction because she never mentioned how this was supposed to weaken the US and allow us to be taken over by invading Russian forces that would poison our water supply and use submarines to destroy our country. I think it had something to do with nukes as well, but I’m not certain. Oh yeah, she also insisted that 9-11 was a fabrication of the government, though she never said why they did it.

Then she made the biggest mistake of all – she tried to enter into the topic of economics and the market. She said that the major drop of the US market that occurred “4 weeks ago” (which I happen to know actually occurred 6 weeks ago on February 27th, 2007) was because Russia, which held all of the US’s debt decided to sell them. Apparently this was an attempt to undermine the American economy. I asked her how that related to the Shanghai Composite dropping nearly 9% on that day, but she didn’t really have a good answer to that question. She just said that that was because of Russia as well.

Then she moved back to the whole “New World Order” idea that between the nukes, the poisoned water supply (I still have no idea how Russia could possibly poison all of the US’ water supply because, well, that’s a whole lot of streams and lakes and wells and treatment facilities to deal with), and the submarines, America would be destroyed. The only way to survive, she explained, was to accept Christianity.

At about this point, we arrived at Tailgate Tommy’s, where she paid for the fare with a credit card, thus completely disclosing her identity (though I’m sure she overlooked that). Before she got out, she decided to give me a DVD that I should watch that talked about all of this. I gladly accepted the DVD, with the letters LOL and CYA flashing invisibly above my head.

I still have this DVD and if anybody wants to watch it and join me in bringing up valid and irrefutable arguments that completely undermine every single point that is made, just let me know! I’m sure it would be much more fun to have someone to join me.