Confession 13 - Conspiracy Theory

Being a student at Colorado State University, I am constantly exposed to individuals and ideas that can be surprisingly irrational. Whether it is manifest through random comments made in class, the clothes people wear, or what the CSU administration insists that I do for registration, some things just naturally bring out completely screwed up look to my face and, if I were a comic, the letters WTF would be written in a size 128 font above my head.

In driving a cab job, on the other hand, I generally expect for the people I meet to be a bit crazy. After all, enough alcohol can make just about anything happen. But last night I think I met one of the craziest of all of them. She was especially crazy because she was so confident that she was not crazy but that the world was crazy. The craziness was based on “Conspiracy Theory,” which, until last night, I thought was just a fabrication used on TV for our amusement. How wrong I was.

I picked her and another guy up to take them to Tailgate Tommy’s, the bar at Drake and College. As we pulled away from their house, she started telling me that she knew the future and that anyone who knew the future was going to get f***ing killed. They always kill the people that know the future. For this specific reason, she would not tell me her name.

“How is it that ‘they’ know that you know the future?” I asked her, humoring her slightly.

“They just do!” she replied. She then asked me, “Do you know anything about the truth behind 9-11 and the New World Order?”

“Uh… I’ve heard of it, but I don’t know a whole lot about it.” I replied cautiously and dumbfoundedly with the invisible letters WTF flashing above my head.

“Well, I’ll go ahead and tell you about it in a nutshell.” She replied.

Oh great! What a way to start out a fun filled evening of cabbying.

“Do you remember Hitler?” she asked me. I tried to contain my inner laughter because I immediately recognized that as a genuinely stupid question.

“No I don’t remember Hitler because I wasn’t alive back then, but I do know about him.” I replied.

“You should read more history then.” she told me, completely oblivious to the fact that I, very subtly, was jabbing at her ridiculous question by taking it literally – the same subtle jab that I am now making again with the letters LOL flashing invisibly above my head.

She then proceeded to inform me about the “New World Order” and what that entailed. I will do my best to summarize her summary of this massive conspiracy that is going to shake the world.

She started out by saying that very soon there is going to be only one country and one religion in the world that will govern all. She didn’t specify which country this would be, but did mention that before it happened, the US, Canada, and Mexico would all join together as one country. Apparently Condoleezza Rice had just gone up to Canada to meet and discuss this very topic. As proof, or to validate her argument, the lady claimed that she had footage of the meeting.

Then she started talking about Hitler and how George W. Bush’s grandfather or great grandfather had provided him with the funding for WWII. At this point, it was getting rather difficult to contain my mocking laughter. I still didn’t know what this had to do with the point that she was trying to make, but I decided I would just humor her and be entertained for a while.

She then talked about some massive highway that was being build leading from Mexico through the middle of the US and up to Canada. I think she missed a conjunction because she never mentioned how this was supposed to weaken the US and allow us to be taken over by invading Russian forces that would poison our water supply and use submarines to destroy our country. I think it had something to do with nukes as well, but I’m not certain. Oh yeah, she also insisted that 9-11 was a fabrication of the government, though she never said why they did it.

Then she made the biggest mistake of all – she tried to enter into the topic of economics and the market. She said that the major drop of the US market that occurred “4 weeks ago” (which I happen to know actually occurred 6 weeks ago on February 27^th, 2007) was because Russia, which held all of the US’s debt decided to sell them. Apparently this was an attempt to undermine the American economy. I asked her how that related to the Shanghai Composite dropping nearly 9% on that day, but she didn’t really have a good answer to that question. She just said that that was because of Russia as well.

Then she moved back to the whole “New World Order” idea that between the nukes, the poisoned water supply (I still have no idea how Russia could possibly poison all of the US’ water supply because, well, that’s a whole lot of streams and lakes and wells and treatment facilities to deal with), and the submarines, America would be destroyed. The only way to survive, she explained, was to accept Christianity.

At about this point, we arrived at Tailgate Tommy’s, where she paid for the fare with a credit card, thus completely disclosing her identity (though I’m sure she overlooked that). Before she got out, she decided to give me a DVD that I should watch that talked about all of this. I gladly accepted the DVD, with the letters LOL and CYA flashing invisibly above my head.

I still have this DVD and if anybody wants to watch it and join me in bringing up valid and irrefutable arguments that completely undermine every single point that is made, just let me know! I’m sure it would be much more fun to have someone to join me.